A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Loyalists in Ireland, from Being a Burden on Their Fellow Citizens or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick

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It is a melancholly Object to those, who walk through this great Town of Belfast  or travel in the Country, when they see the Streets, and  the Roads crowded with Loyalists of male and   female Sex,  all in Flegs, and importuning every Passenger. These People instead of being able to work for their honest livelyhood, are forced to employ all their time in Strolling, to beg Support for their helpless Britishness. As they grow up  they either turn to  Drugs or Violence  for want of work, or leave their dear native Country  

I think it is agreed by all Parties, that this prodigious number of  People is in the present deplorable state of the Kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these People sound and useful Members of the common-wealth would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his Statue set up for a preserver of the Nation.

But my Intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the Flegspeople of Belfast. It is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of Flegspeople in Northern Ireland .

It is true a Flegsperson  may be supported by the Social Services  and continue in  her lawful Occupation of Protesting peacefully.  I propose to provide for them, in such a manner, as, instead of being a Charge upon their Community  or the Parish  or wanting Flegs as  Raiment for the rest of their Lives, they shall, on the Contrary, contribute to the Feeding and partly to the Clothing of many Thousands.

The number of Flegspeople  in this Kingdom is usually reckoned as being potentially  900,000.The question therefore is, How this number shall be  provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present Situation of Affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed, for we can neither induce them to accept democratic decisions, nor  contribute to the Common Good.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least Objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a  Flegs Amusement Park  is   most remunerative, exciting, and wholesome and exploits to the maximum  a Unique Selling Point  for  Ulster. I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that  the Flegspeople  create a FlegsWorld for  the persons of Quality and  Tourists who can marvel at the raiment (which can also be merchandised), rejoice in the maximum possible number of Flegs on display, listen to  a Flegsperson’s diatribe  as they tuck into an Ulster Fry at a British Restaurant,  thrill at the nightly petrol-bombing of the Short Strand  ( rebuilt by Flegspersons every morning for the next performance), admire perfectly painted kerbstones (constantly maintained by Flegspeople), thrill at the re-enactment of Drumcree and attempts to walk down Garvaghy Road, are horrified by the twice daily Holy Cross Protest Show (using lifesize dolls instead of real children).

Special weekend attractions will be 11^th Night Bonfires on Friday evening, 12^th Marches with Blood and Thunder Bands on  Saturday. Tourists will gasp as they watch  Flegspeople urinating on a Catholic church and dancing in circles to the Famine Song. Church Parades on  Sunday will provide a fitting reflective close to a weekend of extraordinary extreme emotions.

A  hundred and twenty thousand Flegspeople, already computed,  will be employed. Costs will be limited as Workfare will ensure participation, schools will not need to be improved as Flegspeople neither want nor need education, preferring to impose their will by force rather than civilized discussion and debate.    A FlegsWorld will  kill two birds with one stone: gainfully employ Flegspeople without making them change in any way their outlook or world view, hence implementing the current laissez-faire philosophy  and allow the Markets to establish their Value as Contributors to Society in this Kingdom.

I think the advantages by the Proposal  are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.. I desire the Reader will observe, that I Calculate my Remedy for this one individual Kingdom of NORTHERN  IRELAND, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients.

Having been wearied out for many Years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of Success, I fortunately fell upon this Proposal, which as it is wholly new, so it hath something Solid and Real, of no Expense and little Trouble, full in our own Power, and whereby we can incur no Danger in disobliging England.

I Profess in the sincerity of my Heart that I have not the least personal Interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary Work having no other Motive than the publick Good of my Country, by advancing our Trade, providing for Infants, relieving the Poor, and giving some Pleasure to the Rich.