Northern Ireland’s Agony

At the time of Northern Ireland’s greatest need here are

Max and Maxine, Agony Aunt and Uncle,

Experts of either sex and both!

to answer your questions about what’s going on Brexit-wise

Remember the majority of people in NI didn’t vote to be worse off and poorer.

But that’s the way the UK Brexit-cookie crumbles!

Their post-bag’s been full over the last couple of weeks

Dear Maxine

The GFA red lines mean no hard border between Ireland and NI.
The DUP red lines mean no hard border between NI and GB

Should I draw a red line round my house?

What will happen to its market price?

Malone Road Resident, Belfast’s most expensive area

Maxine: Who cares, babe?

Dear Max

When will I see more money for the NHS, no immigration  and a return of our ship-building and linen industries?

So my lad can get a job through  Orange Order connections?

Desperate Housewife, East Belfast  

Max: Never, never, never

Dear Max

What happens if there is a “No Deal Brexit”?

Will I have to stop dealing?

UVF drug-supplier

Max: Supermarkets will run out of food in a couple of days and hospitals out of medicines within a couple of weeks. Petrol will soon start running short. There’ll be no flights anywhere. You’ll keep on making money

What else do you  care about, babe?


Dear Max

Will food rationing be making a come-back after a “No Deal Brexit”? Where do I get my ration-book?

Can I dig for victory? Join the new Home Guard? Buy my clothes with coupons?

Spirit of Empire, DUP supporter

Max: So many questions. Only one answer.

No return to  hard times past 

Isn’t present austerity  enough?


Dear Maxine

Is our Brexit predicament the fault of Remainers?

 DUP voter and Convinced Leaver


Who else should bear the blame?

Our predicament couldn’t possibly be due to  people who voted “Leave”

Dear Max
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Unionists (ROSPCU) has just called me.
Should I  ignore them?
Perplexed Alliance woman
Max Yes

Dear Maxine
I heard our Dear Leader Arlene Foster is going to lead an Orange Order march in Scotland
Should we attend?
Bothered Brethren

Maxine: No. The “Ludge’s” future is all behind it

Dear Max

Arlene  says Sinn Féin supporters are going to vote DUP because of its  anti-abortion policy. Is she right?

I don’t want  themmuns voting for usuns

DUP church-goer

Max: No. Shinners will never be DUPed


david davis devises 10-mile buffer zone along irish border

Dear Max
Is the UK proposing a new Border In Northern Ireland?

Worried BCAB

Max Not really.  For 24 hours DD wanted  two new borders.

Panic over now. It lasted for a  mere instant in DUP biblical times.


Risultati immagini per abortion on demand now

Dear Maxine

Will abortions be allowed to residents of this 10 mile wide border zone or not?

Desperate woman of child-bearing age 

Maxine: Probably not

Dear Maxine

My girlfriend wants an abortion. Where should she go?

Relieved Man-About-Town

Maxine: Anywhere but Northern Ireland

Risultati immagini per belfast agreement

Dear Maxine

What happens if the UK breaches the Belfast/Good Friday Agreement?

SDLP voter

Maxine: That will wreck the UK’s reputation completely

Dear Max
Is brown mascara the new black?

Puzzled teenager

Max: Yes, better a brownshirt than a blackshirt

Dear Max

I’m worried about the Scottish Independence Movement and our precious Order and Union

Orange Order Member

Max: Relax. Get ready for the future. You’re living on borrowed time

Your precious Union’ll  be all over soon and your precious Order consigned to history.


Dear Maxine

Who’ll be responsible for the consequences of Brexit?

Anxious housewife

Maxine: Blame will be jointly shared with the Tories and DUP 

It will be equally divided between the two


Dear Max

The clock is  ticking.

Do I need  heavy maintenance cosmetic surgery?

Does the UK need heavy maintenance surgery to keep it as it was?

50+  Anguished

Max: Challenges, Challenges, Challenges!

Of course you and  the UK need  major make-overs.

You didn’t need me to tell you that!


Dear Maxine:

Will there be a United Ireland?

Terrified Sectarian Loyalist, DUP voter

Maxine: Yes

Dear Max

Should I buy an Orange sash for  autumn 2018?


Max No darling. Orange sashes, shawls, wraps are so last year.

And the year before . . . .back as far as 1795!

Anything further back is just a figment of some Orangeman’s imagination

And no one wants to  live out someone else’s fantasies!

Dear  Maxine

Why didn’t the UK consider NI in any way in their Brexit campaign ?

True Unionist

Maxine:  True unionists  in NI  don’t count and don’t matter.

Neither do the SDLP

Risultati immagini per men in kilts

Dear Max

I am turned on by  men in kilts. Should I invest in one?

Ulster- Scot

Max: A Scotsman? or a kilt?

Dear Maxine

Will Brexit take Northern Ireland from rain-drenched, sectarian-infested  DUP  swamp-land to Sinn Fein sunlit uplands?

Maxine: Yes. And there are going to be some very angry people about


And so on . . . . . And so forth . . . . . .















4 thoughts on “Northern Ireland’s Agony

    • marconatrix – you’re meant to be confused. Ni is a confusing place.
      half the population mistakenly believe they are faux English (nobody else agrees with them) , the others know they are Irish.
      PM May is playing her cards close to her chest so nobody is supposed to know what’s going on. But we do!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Event Horizon UK GB NI calculated as October 2018.
    But you won’t get the Propaganda Wing of the English Oligarchy to acknowledge it.
    The British Imperialists’ world is about to implode with the onset of Eurmageddon.
    Scotland is opting for Self Determination.
    We are open for business and welcome new arrivals; even Arlene will get a nice cup of tea and digestive biscuit in the kingdom of Fife.
    You are surely aware in Norn Irn that we Scots are further along the road of considering the OO a sad anachronistic curio, a knuckledragging throwback, and religious based Zeal and bigotry so 20th century.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Rather than entertain the OO and DUP in Fìobh, at least until they’d had had their tea, could they not be sent elsewhere by Royal Command, an order they could hardly ignore and yet remain ‘Loyal’ ? I’m thinking of British outposts threatened by Catholic Powers, Gibraltar comes first to mind, but the Falklands would probably be the best choice, although I suppose it would be cruel to inflict all those drums on the puir penguins …
      … sorry for this relapse into fantasy, but we all admit that the combination of NI plus Brexit plus likely Scots Indy truly boggles the mind. Anyway OT though it may be, have a listen to this vid. the lady’s voice alone should transport you all to a place of sheer ecstasy 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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