At the time of Northern Ireland’s greatest need here are
Max and Maxine, Agony Aunt and Uncle,
Experts of either sex and both!
to answer your questions about what’s going on Brexit-wise
Remember the majority of people in NI didn’t vote to be worse off and poorer.
But that’s the way the UK Brexit-cookie crumbles!
Their post-bag’s been full over the last couple of weeks
The GFA red lines mean no hard border between Ireland and NI.
The DUP red lines mean no hard border between NI and GB
Should I draw a red line round my house?
What will happen to its market price?
Malone Road Resident, Belfast’s most expensive area
Maxine: Who cares, babe?
When will I see more money for the NHS, no immigration and a return of our ship-building and linen industries?
So my lad can get a job through Orange Order connections?
Desperate Housewife, East Belfast
Max: Never, never, never
What happens if there is a “No Deal Brexit”?
Will I have to stop dealing?
Max: Supermarkets will run out of food in a couple of days and hospitals out of medicines within a couple of weeks. Petrol will soon start running short. There’ll be no flights anywhere. You’ll keep on making money
What else do you care about, babe?
Will food rationing be making a come-back after a “No Deal Brexit”? Where do I get my ration-book?
Can I dig for victory? Join the new Home Guard? Buy my clothes with coupons?
Spirit of Empire, DUP supporter
Max: So many questions. Only one answer.
No return to hard times past
Isn’t present austerity enough?
Is our Brexit predicament the fault of Remainers?
DUP voter and Convinced Leaver
Who else should bear the blame?
Our predicament couldn’t possibly be due to people who voted “Leave”
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Unionists (ROSPCU) has just called me.
Should I ignore them?
Perplexed Alliance woman
I heard our Dear Leader Arlene Foster is going to lead an Orange Order march in Scotland
Should we attend?
Maxine: No. The “Ludge’s” future is all behind it
Arlene says Sinn Féin supporters are going to vote DUP because of its anti-abortion policy. Is she right?
I don’t want themmuns voting for usuns
Max: No. Shinners will never be DUPed
Is the UK proposing a new Border In Northern Ireland?
Max Not really. For 24 hours DD wanted two new borders.
Panic over now. It lasted for a mere instant in DUP biblical times.
Will abortions be allowed to residents of this 10 mile wide border zone or not?
Desperate woman of child-bearing age
Maxine: Probably not
My girlfriend wants an abortion. Where should she go?
Maxine: Anywhere but Northern Ireland
What happens if the UK breaches the Belfast/Good Friday Agreement?
Maxine: That will wreck the UK’s reputation completely
Is brown mascara the new black?
Max: Yes, better a brownshirt than a blackshirt
I’m worried about the Scottish Independence Movement and our precious Order and Union
Orange Order Member
Max: Relax. Get ready for the future. You’re living on borrowed time
Your precious Union’ll be all over soon and your precious Order consigned to history.
Who’ll be responsible for the consequences of Brexit?
Maxine: Blame will be jointly shared with the Tories and DUP
It will be equally divided between the two
The clock is ticking.
Do I need heavy maintenance cosmetic surgery?
Does the UK need heavy maintenance surgery to keep it as it was?
Max: Challenges, Challenges, Challenges!
Of course you and the UK need major make-overs.
You didn’t need me to tell you that!
Will there be a United Ireland?
Terrified Sectarian Loyalist, DUP voter
Should I buy an Orange sash for autumn 2018?
Max No darling. Orange sashes, shawls, wraps are so last year.
And the year before . . . .back as far as 1795!
Anything further back is just a figment of some Orangeman’s imagination
And no one wants to live out someone else’s fantasies!
Why didn’t the UK consider NI in any way in their Brexit campaign ?
Maxine: True unionists in NI don’t count and don’t matter.
Neither do the SDLP
I am turned on by men in kilts. Should I invest in one?
Max: A Scotsman? or a kilt?
Will Brexit take Northern Ireland from rain-drenched, sectarian-infested DUP swamp-land to Sinn Fein sunlit uplands?
Maxine: Yes. And there are going to be some very angry people about
And so on . . . . . And so forth . . . . . .