Mr UK Britain’s break-up with Europa! Burning Questions!
Who said what? Who did what? To whom? With whom? With who else? When? Why?Where? How? How many times?
The Mirror’s intrepid reporter infiltrated post-truth, post-21st century security at Mr UK Britain’s private residence
to hang on to his words from his very own lips! As last reported, Mr UK Britain, head of the UK’s most dysfunctional family, was not a well man.
His attendant psychiatrist noted that his world view was based on societal division, fear, intimidation and insecurity ie deep-rooted fears of things that aren’t familiar.
After leaving hospital Mr UK Britain, retired Empire-builder and the only man in the world to reject the sultry embrace of exclusive, sophisticated Europa,
was shown to the bed he himself had made at home and was told to lie in it.
Arch-Controller Housekeeper May stumbled through a few steps of the Brexit Shuffle and then
refused to let him have his cake and eat it.There were no cherries for him to pick at as he tried to turn back the clock and take back control.
What about you and Europa?
I’m just someone Europa did business with.There was no love lost between us even though she tried hard to win me over for over 40 years.I always wanted, and had, a pick-and-choose relationship with her but she even tried to move in here, tried to lay down the law in my own house! Actually thought we’d fit her and her demands in.
You must have meant a lot to her?
No, I’m nothing special but I am very important. Get that straight before we go any further.
Any chance of a reconciliation? Second thoughts?
Housekeeper May intervenes . . . .
” The people have spoken. Actions speak louder than words. I’ll be tearing up her maintenance agreement in the Spring”.
She’s already got 27 lawyers and councillors lined up to protect her interests.
What about you?
I’m seeking suitable partners for dinner dates. Only nationalities outside the EU will be considered
Tell me about your online profile in your search for a new partner
I’ve a small group of islands
off the north-west coast of mainland Europe which contains Europa.
Myth-wise, I’m a muddle of Monarchy, the Armed Forces and the Royal Navy serving me, something about Dunkirk. I’m haunted by memories of the Empire I built and a feeling of lost “Greatness”.
Well it’s nearly all gone now, don’tcha know?
I did my best to hold on to everything but no matter where I turned, someone else was fighting to break free of me.
My former wife Eire started it off. The break-up of my Empire and my downward slide is all her fault.
Practically speaking, I suppose you could say I’m living in austerity-driven poverty, not exactly an “Imperial” society. I can offer service industry jobs, food-banks, homeless on the streets, high university tuition fees, student debt, Johnny Foreigner being on an equal footing – but not for much longer, I can tell you.
What’s your best feature, Mr UK Britain?
The monarchy and the military serve me. You can see them here escorting Eire’s President under armed guard
A few institutions keep people on my side as we battle on, holding back the tide of Independence, standing alone, with our backs to the sea, facing forward. Alone. Against the might of the Huns.
And they are?
Pensions and benefits
Westminster, even though with EVEL our Head Office at Westminster-upon-Thames no longer fully represents me.
Not so long ago I would also have included UK wide political parties but they no longer exist.
That schizophrenic, wild child of mine,
Miss GFA Northern Ireland, has long chosen to go her own way and elect none.
That wayward minx, my renegade sister-in-law,
Alba Scotia elects only one MP from each UK party. So they don’t count.
What about the NHS?
Falling to pieces. I won’t invest in it. I’m busy trying to privatize it off to the nearest bidder. I can’t cope with all these people cluttering up my hospitals and doctors’ surgeries– they can just start shifting for themselves.
And what kind of future do you foresee for yourself?
None really. I only wish things were just as they were years ago. I personally was doing just fine with the set-up. Before my wife Eire divorced me and I got involved with that siren Europa.
You are reported to maintain other family members. Will that continue?
It certainly shouldn’t. There is no economic, legal, constitutional, practical or moral case for retaining those hangers-on.But I’m not letting them go .
I’m holding on to the rest of Eire’s dowry.I don’t care what dear Margaret, my last housekeeper,said.
What was that?
Did you know the Blessed Margaret, told me I made a big mistake holding on to it at the time of our Divorce Settlement? I should have held on to more – or less – or nothing at all. To be quite honest she might well have been right. I’m just not that into Northern Ireland – I’m not really bothered about maintaining the link to that place. I never have been. I’ll off-load it as soon as I can.
But Alba Scotia can whistle down the wind if she thinks I’m going to allow her to get a word in edgeways between me and Europa. She likes Europa you know. They’ve been friends for a very long time, long before Europa and I ever got together and even from before Alba Scotia became my sister-in-law. They get on well together. Alba thinks Europa will always have room for her in that huge mansion she’s got across the Channel. Alba Scotia’s got her hands on all that oil. Or so she says. Legally-speaking, of course.
Jealous and vindictive, are you? Can we add that to your profile?
No! No! Of course not! I just appreciate the loyality displayed by some of their staff who serve me.
A mis-placed Loyalty, would you say? Since they serve you and not Eire and Alba Scotia that provide their livelihoods?
Not exactly as such. No.In its day it served my purpose. And it served their purpose. Though I don’t know about in today’s world . . . .. .
What about your people who support the Union?
Unionists, Loyalists, Orangemen want the Union because they believe it serves their prosperity. Their position is perfectly clear and understandable. It is a matter for business-like negotiation
What do you mean?
I reward them well. We have our own little system even though they can be hard to manage sometimes. To be quite honest with you, they don’t quite know who they are. They believe they are British – not Scottish or Irish or whatever. They believe in a fairy-tale narrative of ‘unity’ that never was. Better Together. All that sort of stuff. Bamboozled, the lot of them.
But they’ll do what I want.It’s just a question of taking back control.
Secretive Housekeeper May intervenes . . .
“A word to the wise is enough”
“Brexit means Brexit ” ,
“The answer I gave is the answer I gave”
“Red white and blue Brexit”.
“You’ll see what we publish when we publish it”
Scotland and Ireland will simply accept whatever fate I impose. And they will do so meekly and without protest.